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To Be or Not to Be

May 8, 2007

Swistle wrote about whether or not to have more kids and it’s something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.

Whenever DH and I talked about kids it was always 2 with an option for 3. Me, growing up as 1 of 2, wanting 2 and him thinking that 3 is a great number. Nonetheless, I was 21 weeks pregnant when the ultrasound tech told us we were having twins. The very first words out of my husband’s mouth were “I guess we’re done!”

Twins were more than we bargained for. Plans like me getting my Master’s degree between Baby 1 and Baby 2 are not possible when they arrive 60 seconds apart. Our carefully constructed budget did not account for the 2 cribs, more expensive double stroller, and, the worst, double the diapers. These are the first grand kids and of the many kids my cousins have, the three youngest are all boys. So no hand me downs. But I believe strongly that God wouldn’t have blessed us with twins if we couldn’t handle them.

The birth was very hard on DH. I know, I know, I’m the one who had the C-Section. But he’s the one who had to watch. About two years ago we lost a good friend of ours due to complications of childbirth. Looking back, we should have talked more about that before we went to the hospital. It was certainly on both our minds. We made it a point to get life insurance, I wrote out the passwords to my various online accounts, and we talked about wills/living wills. But we never actually said out loud what was going through both of our minds. At one point during the C-section they had to put me under and kicked him out of the room. It happened really fast (things are still a little fuzzy to me) and DH really was thinking the worst.

DH has had difficulties adjusting to life as a father of twins. I read somewhere that being a dad of twins is pretty much like being the mother of one baby. We just were not prepared for the stress. The divorce rate for parents of multiples is higher than average and I’m not surprised. We’ve fought more over these past 16 months then we have in the 10 years we’ve known each other. I’ve also read that going from one kid to two is the hardest adjustment. Well, we made that transition in one minute.

So, I really shouldn’t have been surprised when he told me no more kids.

It makes sense. Financially, emotionally, physically. Did I mention financially? But, I have to say I feel a little cheated. I love my girls and feel so lucky to have them. But I never really got a chance to enjoy them as newborns. My friend wrote to me about just holding her newborn son for hours. I can’t think of a single time where I sat down for an hour, let along held one of them quietly for that long.

I know that I’m being a brat. That I’m lucky to have two happy, healthy children. But there’s a part of me that’s grieving for a child I never had. That’s mourning because I’ll never hold her/him in my arms. And I’ll never get to be pregnant again. Or give birth again. Or breastfeed again.

Who knows. Maybe he’ll change his mind. More likely, I’ll remember all of those reasons why I only wanted two kids. Or, even more likely, the two I have will drive me so far into insanity that I’ll forget I ever wanted more.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Swistle permalink
    May 8, 2007 4:04 pm

    I know what you mean. I’ve had singletons and I’ve had a set of twins, and experiencing twins–well, it didn’t have the same “sitting in a rocking chair cuddling a baby” effect as having a singleton. When I thought the twins were my last, I was disappointed that I wasn’t going to enjoy the “last baby” more.

    I read in one of my twin-rearing books that the average time between twins and the next child is 5 years, whereas between a singleton and the next singleton the average is 2-3 years. It may be that your husband will just need a little more time between the twins and the next baby. I’d keep mentioning it casually, like “If we have another baby…” so he knows it’s still in the running. Financially speaking, it’s nice to have a gap, too.

  2. Domestic Goddess permalink
    May 8, 2007 6:11 pm

    It is very nice to have time between children, but you know the saying, when Man plans God Laughs…
    You know, as dangerous as it would be for me to have another I can not think about it. It does not help that DH is constantly making jokes about having a sister. I finally put him straight and told him how much it hurt my feelings. But the nagging feeling in the back of my mind is still there. My boys are 4 and 6 and I would change a thing, really. But I feel cheated, too. I feel like I should have a “normal” kid. I feel like I should at least have a child who goes through the babbling stage. I feel like I should have a child who does not require biweekly trips to duPont for medical care. I feel like I should have a child without an IEP. But, this is what I have been given. We are making the best of it. In a fantasy world I would have four or more children…

  3. Mommy Daisy permalink
    May 8, 2007 7:16 pm

    Wow, this was an interesting post. I’m with you on wanting just another pregnancy. I’m sure it’s much different with twins. I think if we’d have had twins, my husband would be like yours. Actually I just found out that my hubby’s cousin is expecting twins (only 7 weeks), but this is his 3rd cousin that is having multiples. He said…well, maybe we shouldn’t try for another. What? I don’t think so! I definately want more. I never thought about less cuddling, etc. with multiples. Makes a big difference. I wish you luck with your decision.

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